OMG!!! My birthday

Warning this a soul searching, tell all...my age...!!!!
Today is my birthday, I say it like a mistake. I would rather hold a rattlesnake than get any older. I don't know why, I don't try to look younger, I am stuck on a number (47, ugh!!) and I still cannot believe I am married, have a house and kids. Is it denial. I mean I know I am in charge but where are the adults. I am 47. There I said it. I still get pimples, have kickin PMS, 28 day cycles, and can run 6 miles in well under 55 minutes. I would rather hike to the sky, climb rocks, ride my bike to the store, stay up late, get more pets, and lie about my age, than be mature.

SO it is 1am... I just got home from a very busy 12 hour shift in the peds er. The kids and DH left me flowers and cards on the counter. I poured myself a big glass of wine because I am getting up in 5 hours and put some music on. Landside is the song I chose because I'm getting older too...

Can I handle the seasons of my life So far so good. My parents are alive and well. I consider this a gift. My parents had me late in life, my mother lost 5 babies I was the only one who survived. My mom worries about worrying, and my dad is the sweetest man I have ever met. I live in fear of loosing them. They argue over everything and have been married for 58 years and mom still talks about leaving. Driving in the car with them requires vodka and zoloft (lots of it).

Time makes you bolder No! I still suck at saying no. But I am working on that. I am also working on 10 pounds, career advancement, 7 minute miles, and endless patience.

Children get olderGod, yes they do. Why? WHy do they grow. I want to freeze them. Dylan melts me, Claire breaks me and Emily reminds me of the girl I used to be. The three of them make me believe in God or a higher force. They humble me. I make hard choices to keep them honest and safe. I would give my life for them. Easily. Wherever I sit I have 3 kids and Bailey on top of me. I am never alone, never lonely, even in the bathroom I have company. I only hope that when they are older they still love me and want me in their life. (I just poured my 2nd glas of wine at 1:30am, hey I am 47 I can do what I want!)
Children get older, just please do it slowly. I love you all just they way you are.

What is love? Love bushes against you, it hit you hard in the face. Love is so subtle my heart breaks when Dylan's lip pouts, Claire's fair weather friend leaves her alone for someone else, when Emily pulls me tight and tells me "I love you, you smell like Mommy". I need them like air. If this was all there was in life, smelling like Mommy and having your almost 13 year daughter hug you in front of her friend would be enough. I used to wear her in a sling and stare at her all day, kiss her all day. Now we laugh at Sarah Palin and talk about the stock market bailout! Hey I don't have cankles, let's celebrate!

I am getting older too Yeah so what... It is 2am and I just drank 2 glasses of wine. Who cares! 47? Yeah that sucks. But what the fuck!!!