Hope ?

This is not me, arms up into the sunshine, high on life, diggin the universe. It is a random stock photo.




I wish it was me, not exactly in that pose, but feelin the light. What does that mean? I just want to feel more... like there will be a day (very, very, soon) when we will get our travel date, to go to Vietnam to get our chubby little man. The agency sent up new pictures yesterday, four in all, and he is just plain cute. Big wide nose, soul rimmed eyes, dimples on his hands. How can you look at a hand, and love it. This girl can! He shows a 4 different emotions in each picture. Kind of like me. Sometimes I can have far too many emotions going on at once, (esp when I have PMS, which seems like all the time,lately).

So, this will be the new and improved me. The me with a good attitude, a person of stongness and fortitude (is that a real word, and what does it mean). I will be a mental health role model. A perfect picture of a very happy waiting (12 week!!!) adoptive parent. I will not worry about anything (like my son getting older without me, fleas, the stockmarket, no travel dates, agency thingy's, summer almost being over), no worries. Just hope.

Hope that tomorrow is a day closer to holding my son. Hope that my daughters can delight in the joy of their baby brother. Monday is a new week (week 13 but who really is counting anyway?), and MAYBE I will hear something good.

Welcome to Lake Disappointment

Welcome to our summer home on Lake Disappointment, the sun still shines, life goes on. Dogs bark, children play, and the mother and father are very sad. They are feeling like a part of their soul is missing. They are missing their little boy Dylan in Vietnam.



The father even cries sometimes when talking about his son. We all know the mother cries normally a lot, so now she cries more especially when listening to music about little boys.



The root of our disappointment is no travel date, and no hope of one this week or next, so our disappointment has turned into disenchantment...



Which is now extreme FRUSTRATION!!!

CAN SOMEONE

PLEASE TELL ME

WHERE OUR PAPERWORK IS, SO...

WE CAN BE WITH OUR SON!!!!!!

Waiting...505...Graduate Level.

There are chairs made just for waiting...

Kittens wait as well, frequently for high fives.....

...dogs being very loyal are the best at waiting. They convey a a sadness in their eyes (hence the phrase sad puppy dog eyes). Everyone instantly connects with this look of forlornness. It does not work for me. Dogs can also hold large objects in their mouth, and it really compliments them. I just look silly.

Men with beards can wait as well, for what? My guess is chewing tobacco, or whiskey.

Birds prefer to wait on wires, in large groups. Tip: don't wait under the birds.

Mail. Post office, fed ex, UPS, email, whatever. This is a very difficult thing to wait for.

Apple I phone is a very trendy item to wait for. Not in my top 10, but they look pretty cool.

If you have not guessed by now, I am loosing my mind waiting for a @#$!%!* TRAVEL DATE. Some days are better than others, but I think very soon I may just explode. I am sick, fed up, had enough, tired of keeping busy, had plenty of diversions, sore armed from cleaning. Argh, I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am shopped out, emailed out, almost blogged out. In the past 10 weeks I have ran over 250 miles trying to be positive. I am stamping my feet like a baby, and it feels just right. Can anyone get me a travel date, can I buy one on ebay?

I have a fever, and the only cure for me is A TRAVEL DATE!

What are you waiting for?

My little Baker

I have to admit that one of the most fun things about being a mom is baking. Claire my little sweetie loves to bake. I used to bake with her because I pulled her out of preschool because it was awful, and spent the year home with her. A girly to her soul. Loves baking, make up, jewelery, shoes and more shoes. I took her into NY to see Dora at radio city. Then I brought her into FAO Schwartz, but the best for her by far was Tiffany's. The sales people treated her like a princess, showing her 20,000 dollar turtle watches and 75,000 bird pins. They even let her touch the gems! My favorite part was the doorman who stoped the revolving door...just for us. I wish I could have bought something, but too pricey for me.

Claire is a poet in her heart. She is caring and compassionate. She loves to help others and is terrific with little kids. Almost 9 she barely weighs 45 pounds soaking wet, and is the size of a 5 year old. Don't let her size fool you, she is very mighty. She loves to give me a hard time and has her own way of doing EVERYTHING! I have to say, she loves me with her entire heart, and sees the world with insightful eyes.

She will be an incredible big sister. There is a magic about her. Everyone who knows her loves her. I watch her navigate the hall in school, she is stopped by almost everyone for a hug or a pat. She always leaves me notes on my pillow, and messages on my cell phone. Once when she was mad at me, she buried her nose in a book. Between pages she would look up and give me this evil glare. Clearly she was displeased with me. Then I noticed the title on the book,...."101 ways to be a better Mother"!!! LOL !!...as mad as she was making me I was laughing inside. Claire honey mommy loves you, to the moon and back.

Harry Potter or Dylan?

Okay... I'm not REALLY a person that can handle waiting for too many weeks, all the while staring at my beautiful son's picture, missing all his litle baby firsts. All the while juggling a full time job, 2 kids on summer vacation, many pets, yard work, and an old house. Oh and all the computer time, reading blogs, scanning emails for hidden messages that may mean we could go to Vietanam sooner or later. The paper chase continues.

But what I really want to know is this...Could I be in Vietnam when the final Harry Potter book hits the shelves on July 21st? Will I still be in limbo? Where will you be ? I know my daughter will be in borders getting her preordered copy. God help the store if they run out of books!

Random Gifts

What weighs as much as 15 bricks, and can fill up one suitcase with a single load?
Orphanage gifts that I choose!
We are feeling a little lucky, somewhat comfortable in the fact that we may be going to Vietnam sooner than later. So with that in mind we thought we should start getting the extras. It is custom for people to show their appreciation to others by giving them a token gift. Like party favors and goody bags.

There are lists of people that the agency tells you that you need to acknowledge. I would not want to leave anyone out, so I started to think about the 20 women that take care of the babies. I really wanted to give them something special but with 20 gifts to buy, what? I hit the mall running. At Victorias Secret I see this huge 75% off sign plastered on every window, floor and store wall. I think, they sell lotions and soap, they are having a sale, lets go look.

All I can say, is if you ever want to bring sexy back, that would be the place to do it. Did you know you can get a sexy glow by just using their soap? Where have i been all these years! Apparently even the plain old vanilla body butter has amazing tantric qualities. If that is not enough you can get a sexy body, or and EXTREMELY SEXY BODY, based on the types of lotions that you choose! All of which are 75% off. Funny how a store could change yor life! Oh, and they have edible body frosting on sale as well....Can you imagine if I took crazy pills and brought body icing and red hot smokin thongs, 20 of them, all on sale...put them in litle pink bags, in my suitcase, on the plane and all the way over to....

Alas I came to my senses, marched over to bath and body works. A comfort zone of girly soaps and lotions. I could spent an hour in that store smelling everything. I love to indulge in simple scents, that clean pampered feeling you get when you smell good and all is well with the world. I wish I could do more for these women who care for our children, who give them things I cannot. Things like first baths, first bottles, first kisses and hugs. It must be quite a demanding job, and they are very special to me. They are nurturing and loving my precious child, as women before them have loved my beautiful daughters.

Sure a token gift is nice, but I want to think on a larger scale. I guess what I can give, and what we all together can do, is giving freely to others. So my fellow bloggers and readers lets give ourselves a gift today and everyday. (no, not smoking hot thongs silly!) Pass along simple random acts of kindness to everyone's sons and daughter's. Small steps, but that is how we learn to walk.

Motherhood- a work in progress- Em

Summer is upon us. Holding the females in this house powerless over many things. Things like, cool movies on hot steamy days, endless playing outside, mood swings, boredom, and hormonal outbursts! I think every summer has started like this, but this is the first summer that my kids made me cry before July!

Things change every year, they are different yet still little girls. My older daughters friends have already learned the pain of gossip, and hopefully this summer with the awesome group of mom's I know they will discover the hard truth about friends, fair weather, 2 faced or true, real, safe friends. At 11-12 we still help them make the right choices.
Em tells me she's off, riding her bike with her fiends. Hair flying, lips a goofy blue from candy. So sweet, so innocent, so full of life and promise. She comes home all happy with herself. Independence looks good on her. I pause, remembering once I wished for this day, wanting some freedom after so much clinging. Now I am wishing for the fat baby hands, reaching around my neck. I was all she needed, could solve any problems with a hug and kiss. Sometimes she yells, rolls her eyes, gets very frustrated with me. Then minutes later she is next to me. "I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean it" I say I know, and we move on. She still loves to cuddle and is so strong she can suck the breath out of me. She is a work in progress all of her own doing.

Last year her very private goal was to excel. She told me she was in school to learn, when I asked her if she minded not being in class with her 3 good friends. Excel she did! All by herself she got straight A's, and won 13 awards. She was involved and I cried at the awards ceremony realizing just how hard this wonderful kid worked. No boasting, no mention to us of her plan to excel. The only thing she said was after school was over and we were alone, "Mom, I've held it in all day, can I brag?" Yes honey, "MOM I WON 13 AWARDS, and I'm so pround of myself!" Tears pouring down my face she blew me away!

What happened to the girl who loved dressing up like a disney princess, who danced on my feet to "Little Green and Carey", I swear she would jump though flaming hoop to get to me. When I would sleep she would put ALL of her toys on me and stick her finger in my nose. She could have kissed me for 1 hour and wanted more. I remember cookies for santa, her actually hoping like a rabbit in the mall to see the easter bunny. Oh and her dresses had to be loose around to fan out when she twirled around. I vowed then as always to love and protect her. When she drives away on her bike I hold my breath and pray.

I think I will always hold my breath and pray, like an instinct, when ever she leaves me. She looks up at me from her book, headphones in place. I have time. Time to love her more and more, to be her mom, to understand when she she is light years ahead of me. She starting to find her way.

Dylan Goes to New Hope (kinda).

Mom and Dad take a day trip to New Hope Pa.
Everywhere we go we bring a picture of Dylan.
Even when we go out to dinner, we prop his picture on the salt and pepper shakers.
We really...REALLY...cannot wait to travel to Vietnam to bring him home. The weather was beautiful. We could not resist buying Dylan his first pair of Robeez shoes. We fell in love with the hippos. So, in the meantime we walked around, went out for some dinner, and drinks at these fun outdoor cafes.People waching is one of my favorites, and there were many vintage cars and motorcycles to look at.
I thought Dylan would love the hogs!