Motherhood- a work in progress- Em

Summer is upon us. Holding the females in this house powerless over many things. Things like, cool movies on hot steamy days, endless playing outside, mood swings, boredom, and hormonal outbursts! I think every summer has started like this, but this is the first summer that my kids made me cry before July!

Things change every year, they are different yet still little girls. My older daughters friends have already learned the pain of gossip, and hopefully this summer with the awesome group of mom's I know they will discover the hard truth about friends, fair weather, 2 faced or true, real, safe friends. At 11-12 we still help them make the right choices.
Em tells me she's off, riding her bike with her fiends. Hair flying, lips a goofy blue from candy. So sweet, so innocent, so full of life and promise. She comes home all happy with herself. Independence looks good on her. I pause, remembering once I wished for this day, wanting some freedom after so much clinging. Now I am wishing for the fat baby hands, reaching around my neck. I was all she needed, could solve any problems with a hug and kiss. Sometimes she yells, rolls her eyes, gets very frustrated with me. Then minutes later she is next to me. "I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean it" I say I know, and we move on. She still loves to cuddle and is so strong she can suck the breath out of me. She is a work in progress all of her own doing.

Last year her very private goal was to excel. She told me she was in school to learn, when I asked her if she minded not being in class with her 3 good friends. Excel she did! All by herself she got straight A's, and won 13 awards. She was involved and I cried at the awards ceremony realizing just how hard this wonderful kid worked. No boasting, no mention to us of her plan to excel. The only thing she said was after school was over and we were alone, "Mom, I've held it in all day, can I brag?" Yes honey, "MOM I WON 13 AWARDS, and I'm so pround of myself!" Tears pouring down my face she blew me away!

What happened to the girl who loved dressing up like a disney princess, who danced on my feet to "Little Green and Carey", I swear she would jump though flaming hoop to get to me. When I would sleep she would put ALL of her toys on me and stick her finger in my nose. She could have kissed me for 1 hour and wanted more. I remember cookies for santa, her actually hoping like a rabbit in the mall to see the easter bunny. Oh and her dresses had to be loose around to fan out when she twirled around. I vowed then as always to love and protect her. When she drives away on her bike I hold my breath and pray.

I think I will always hold my breath and pray, like an instinct, when ever she leaves me. She looks up at me from her book, headphones in place. I have time. Time to love her more and more, to be her mom, to understand when she she is light years ahead of me. She starting to find her way.